Alright. For once I am going to totally and completely let go and say exactly how I feel. Why? Because I really need to. I keep my feelings inside and it's to the point where I am going to explode. I might be thought of as stupid, of that I'm overreacting to things. I don't know.
I'm going to say this right now; I am sorry if feelings get hurt. I am sorry if there are tears. I am sorry if I am about to be the worlds biggest asshole. These are the things that have been building up for a while that i haven't shared.
For a while now, I have done nothing but cry myself to sleep, locked myself in my room most of the time (except when I go out with Michele). I know that Taylor has his own life now, and honestly I don't see how there is any room for me in it. He works now from 10 PM till 7AM so there is very little time for us to talk because he needs to sleep and aslo I can never talk for more than like 15 minutes at a time. His days off are Saturday and Sunday. But seeing as this is his birthday weekend, I don't expect to be able to.
It seems that whenever we do talk, I often times find that I am being ignored. OK... so I offer to let him go. No, thats ok.
But yeah, he goes out after work, or on his days off. That's ok. I don't get upset because I've been awake all night waiting to talk to him. He should do things with his freinds. Well... after a while of being up all night waiting to talk to him and not being able to for more than 10 minutes, I don't see why the hell he gets so upset that I go out with Michele (who doesn't wabt to fuck me no matter what one might think, which is the complete and total opposite of what hisfriend wants, and is constantly telling me that they want to fuck Taylor and makes it no secret to me at all) and I am not there to talk when I didn't even know he would be able to in the first place. Or that I am at my grandmothers staying with her for a night and then the weather is bad so I have to stay another night so I get a huge guilt trip for not being home when I said I would.
Onother thing; is it normal to be upset when you hear the pet names that where being used for you now being used on another? Or when you're on the phone with your lover and you hear "No! Don't get up! I want to cuddle!" when the one thing you want most in the world is to be in his arms. Or the fact that, after not being able to talk to him all day, when I call, the phone getting handed to Jasmine for like an hour and if I even hint that I want to talk to Taylor, she bursts out into tears saying that I don't like her.
I have a confession to make that I haven't shared with anyone that wasn't a piece of paper in one of my journals. I cut before, then I slowly declined to where I rarely cut. Now I'm at the point where I cut nearly everyday. I carved the "Worthless" and a little star on my right hip where my tanline is, and "Fail" on my left hip. Today I cut completely through "Fail" because it looked retarded because it's only readable to me. I cut over and over and over on my inner thighs till it's nothing but raw skin and blood. And that's just today... I don't tell anyone because I don't want to upset them. I don't want to make them sad. I don't want them to be hurt. I am sorry. I really am. But there is no way that I can feel all that I feel and not find an outlet that works. Trust me, I have been trying for years to find other outlets.
I used to care about s things. Before that I cared about very little. Now it's the same as before.
I can't even see myself going to Texas to live. I don't feel like being hated by everyone because I will be with Taylor when Jasmine obviously loves him so much. I don't feel like being the home wrecking slut. Not to mention that oh... cant hug or kiss or show affection in front of Jasmine. We'll hurt her feelings. OK.... then what...we don't touch??? We don't act like a couple? I can't have all of you because it will make her sad and she will cry and she will say she will kill herself? I am the girlfriend who doesn't really exhist. I am a voice on the phone every so often. I am a memory and a face on paper. I am not real.
I miss him... today is his birthday. I had promised him that I would be there for this birthday. I can't. I broke a promise...again. Maybe I should just stop making promises.
I know that he said he was sorry, and that he didn't think it would affect me like it did, but yeah...ity hurt me when he went to the strip club with Jasmine. But listen to this; he got mad at me and told me I couldn't go to Wing House with Michele, Jay, and James to go and watch Pay Per View Westling because I would be going to "Look at other girls". Not. I like being able to get out of my house where my crazy mother makes me do chores all day and the only other thing I can do is stay in my room.
I also don't get why it is such a big deal that I hang out with Michele (who is my best friend and does not want to fuck me). She has been there for me through a lot of things.
*big sighs*
wow...i'm done bitching.
...I'm sorry.
6:52 p.m. - 2005-07-03
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